Moving On

Silly girls

Alexa is recovering quite nicely from her hospital stay and from her dreaded tube change this week.  She's had some really good days, and even better some good nights.  We have been a little concerned as she seems to be on a complete food strike... She doesnt want anything going in, not that she was taking in much before, but at least she would try... We'll keep trying.  Today she woke up and her right eye was all swollen and red.  I made an appointment to see her pediatrician and was all ready to go, but by then her eye was looking so much better I canceled it.  We'll just monitor it to make sure it doesnt get any worse.  I hate taking her in if I dont have to as everytime we go for appointments it seems to traumatize her.  It's worse now that she's older.  She has decided she does not care for anyone in blue scrubs,  white lab coats, yellow precaution gowns, and hates the sight of blue gloves...  I guess you cant blame her.  It was funny we were just walking in the hallway at childrens the other day and she put the breaks on so quickly, dropped to the ground and refused to move.  There were two doctors in lab coats waiting for an elevator down the hall.  Silly kid they werent even looking at her. 

Kaylie with her fishies Coral and Reef

Kaylie has been a bit difficult lately.  I dont know if its because we disrupted her life again or what.  We're trying to get back into our routine.  She is just fighting us every step of the way.  Throwing fits like she was 2... That is so not like Kaylie.  I had a long talk with her yesterday, and she seems to be doing better today.  We're trying to give her more attention, because we feel like she may have been feeling neglected the last few months while we've been worrying over Alexa.  This balancing act is so dificult.  I'm trying to spend extra time with her every day.  We've been doing fun crafts all week.  She now has two new fishy friends named Coral and Reef (she picked the names) and loves to feed them everyday.  We had such a fun afternoon going and picking them out. Tomorrow I'm hoping to take her out on a mommy date.  Maybe see a movie and just have the afternoon be all about her. Hopefully she knows how much we love her and is able to see how much she completes our world.

It's so strange to think how one aspect of someones's life can so drastically affect all other aspects.  Alexa's medical issues have affected us in nearly everything.  Something we've been dealing with is the strain this puts on our relationship/ marriage.  The stress of the past year just isnt going away.  We just havent had the time or energy to put into our relationship.  That is really affecting us.  We have less patience and tolerance for eachother.  The little things seem to be piling up. I think we need to make spending time together a priority and not just something we do if there's extra time (which there never is).  Kevin is in agreement.  So even though we cant go out and have date nights we're going to have date nights in.  Try to have a nice dinner rent a movie, play games.  May sound very dull to some, but for us it will be a step up.  We need to start having fun again.  Hopefully we can fall back in love with eachother and we dont have to be in survivor mode anymore.   Dont get me wrong we still love eachother but it has become more of a duty if that makes any sense.

We made the decision to move.  We are trying to find a rental home closer to my parents, but arent having much luck.  If anybody knows of anything available in a good neighborhood, with a yard that accepts pets we would be very greatful.  Our house is going on the market, but I dont think we'll have much luck there.  I think we're going to voluntarily hand over our property to the bank. Better than a foreclosure but not much. So sad because we've put so much money into fixing it up.  But there are just so many foreclosures in our neighborhood, and the house across the street just went on the market at half of what we owe on our mortgage.  Maybe in a few years we'll be ready to own again.  When things settle down and we know where we'll be located permanently.  Even though this wasnt our plan for our lives, we're trying to look at things positively, and see this as a fresh start.  Hopefully something will come available that will be perfect for our family. 

Also I started really dieting and exercising this week.  Hopefully I can keep it up.  Since Alexa has had all her issues I've gained 40 lbs!!!  Im thinking all the stress and lack of exercise has really taken its toll on me.  I'm no longer going to sit back and let my situation control me, but will try to take control of at least this one thing.  Kevin is helping out by taking the kids in the am so I can have some time to exercise...  I want to start feeling good about myself again when I look in the mirror.  Any good diet advice? 

We also came to the very hard decision to not have anymore children.  We always wanted a big family, and letting go of that dream is heartbreaking to me, but we have to do what is right for our family now.  We have two of the best girls ever, and are so happy and blessed to have them in our lives.  We were originally thinking that it would be nice for Alexa to have someone around her age to grow with, but realize that right now she needs more of our attention than would be fair to bring in another baby.  Maybe someday in the future... 

Everything seems to be changing so quickly.  Sometimes its hard to keep up.  I'm trying hard to stay positive and to start enjoying the little things.  Thats what makes it all worth it.