Letting go

I've been very anxious lately.  I dont know if it has anything to do with everything going on right now.  I feel like there is just sooo much to get done, and am feeling very overwhelmed.  Making the other "normal" emotions intensified.  The paperwork...  I didnt realize there could be this much paperwork.  It's not the actual applications and filling out I have a problem with.  It's gathering all the information needed and having the proper people fill out what's needed and get it back to us.  There is so much extra stuff with the realtor, and mortgage company.  The dream day camp might not happen because Alexa's doctor took so long to fill out what needed to be filled out.  We'll know by next week if the slot was held for us.  I've just been so tired this week.  It doesnt help that I've had what feels like a migraine for the past 3 days.  I think its a side effect from something I'm taking. 

I've been having a difficult time letting go lately.  We're weeding through all our stuff trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of.  I realize I have the potential to be a pack rack, because I keep things for memory sake not because it's useful.  I mean I dont really need to keep the outfit I was wearing when I met Kevin or half the other things I've kept over the years.  Its time for me to start letting go of things.  I wont remember something less because I dont have an object to hold. 

I realize that I have to also let go of the expectations I had about Alexa's life.  This is such a difficult thing to do.  Eventually we all have to let go of our children so they become who they are meant to become, but we are comforted by the thought that we did all we could to guide them on a path to happiness, and have helped them become their best.  With Alexa I feel as though I have to let go to soon.  Not in the morbid sense, but I need to let go of the preconceived ideas of her life I started having the moment we knew we were pregnant.  Alexa maybe at her best physically now, meaning she's able to walk and do things like the average kid.  She may never hear what we want her to hear or be the athlete we'd hoped.  She may not be able to jump and play and eat like others, but Alexa is who she was meant to be.  She is a little spark of life that fights for every breath she takes.  The child who beats the doctors odds and walks on her own, even if she does eventually lose the ability, she did it!  She is overcoming her communication difficulties by doing double the work of reading lips and learning sign.  How could I ever be saddened by this amazing little girl.  I'm learning to let go of the idea of the perfect life, and am going to embrace every second we have with her life, the life we were blessed with. 

On a lighter note we just got through doing a dinosaur week with Kaylie.  So much fun doing all our little projects, and watching all those great episodes on National geographic.  She really got into all of it, and you should see her diorama.  This week we are hoping to head out to a museum close by that has some dinosaur exhibits to end a great lesson.  Next week we are studying egypt. 

We were so disappointed because my parents went to pick up the bunk beds we were so excited about, and apparently there was something wrong with it.  So now we are looking all over again.  I'm sure we'll find something, but I absolutely loved the other set. 

We had the best day today at a pool party with friends.  Kaylie says to me "mommy I wish my everyday could be like this."  How sweet.  On another note in the same conversation Kaylie says  "mommy whats worse than a sunburn?"  Me:  "I dont know what?"  Kaylie:  "When someone you love gets thrown into burning lava."  Umm yes that is much worse than a sunburn.