court date looming

It seems that part of the reason I've been neglecting to write as often may have something to do with my emotional state.  Since moving here I do have to say that I have been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety.  For many reasons...  and because of that I havent wanted to write because I promised myself I would be completely truthful when I started this blog, and knew that I couldnt be before.

The new move was supposed to fix everything... Of course that isnt how it worked.  I seldom see my husband and the girls miss their daddy.  I dont like being a single mom which is essentially what I am right now, but on top of that we're stuck in this house and its starting to feel like a prison.  Sometimes the only adults I talk to are Alexa's doctors and her early interventions team.  Also a week before we moved I found out I was pregnant.  I was very excited but didnt want to tell anyone about it because of past issues.  I dont know if it was because of the stress of the move or what but I miscarried 2 weeks after we moved in.  It took a long time for my body to reject the pregnancy completely.  At which time its like you're in limbo.  The tests keep coming back positive but your bleeding and then that stops so you have hope and then it all starts up again.  We weren't trying to have another baby at this time, but as soon as we thought we were, we were so excited, planning, looking at names, imagining our lives with another little joy.  It was a devestating loss, they dont seem to get any easier.  It's taken me this long to be able to talk about it. 

The other huge issue going on right now is that we finally have a court date set for the dcf hearing so we can fight the charge of neglect against me.  This has taken me back to a really negative place.  I cant get it out of my head, I'm losing lots of sleep over this.  The entire thing feels so unfair!  We cant afford a lawyer so we're battling it out on our own.  I'm bringing all of Alexa's discharge summary's all her doctor notes.  Documentation of all her diagnosis, and a list of all the medical professionals so the court can see exactly what we do do for our daughter.  Which is to help her survive.  How do we prove to these people that they never had a case to begin with?  How do we get our life back?  No they are not involved in our lives anymore, but the charge is still there my name is on a registry with others who HAVE abused or neglected their children.  I would do anything for my girls, anything!  I feel that this taints my name and all the goodness that I have done for my kids.  Alexa's illness has been unbelievably hard, but its something that just is and we are able to live with it because we have to.  This DCF charge is fabricated and unjust and someone elses doing and does not have to be a part of our lives.  My daughter is alive because I fight for her, but it feels like that is overshadowed by this taint they brought into my life.  I dont want to say anymore right now because it just gets me all upset and anxious and I'm trying to avoid that right now. 

No matter what goes on we still have our family.  I always take comfort in knowing that despite the odds we still have the best loving family.  Kaylie is this great kid who just bubbles over with her joy.  You cant not be happy when she's around.  She is such a great helper with things around the house but also with her baby sister who loves her dearly.  Kaylie is Alexa's sunshine.  Alexa is developing this little personality that borders on the hilarious.  When she is feeling good she goes out of her way to play little tricks on people to make us laugh.  SHe has a sweet side and doesnt want to see anything hurt, and doles out lots of love.

Today was a great Alexa day.  She woke up happy, and then her daddy walked through the door.  She shreiked with delight and clapped her hands, and literally ran (yes I said ran) to her daddy.  Shortly after her speech therapist arrived and had a ton of fun new toys for her to play with.  Alexa had so much energy!  She was even able to make it through another appointment with the child developmentalist.  This was the first time we met with the speech therapist and she really seems to know her stuff.  Alexa even tried to immitiate her a few times without even knowing thats what she was doing.  I dont know if I ever mentioned that recently we noted that Alexa had an attatched frenulum.  That just means that the thing that connects to her gums and lip is connected to far down near her teeth.  We were afraid that this was causing some of her speech delay.  However even with this she should be able to make some sounds that she cant so it doesnt really explain everything.  Anyway by the time Alexa's early intervention appointments were done she was exhausted.  She had a VERY long nap, and was very cranky.  It dowsnt matter it was soo worth it to see how happy she was in the morning. 

Also we just found out today that Kevin got the IRS job.  Yay!  The only problem is that it is a huge pay cut.  We're barely making ends meet right now.  I dont know how we're going to manage this, but he needs to get his foot in the door...  As soon as the court date is behind us I need to actively pursue getting Alexa a home nurse so I can go back to work to help with our overwhelming bills.  I've just been having a hard time focusing on anything other than this stupid case. 

I'd like to end this on a good note since I started it all depressing.  I've now lost 22lbs since moving here.  Yay!