Dream vs. Reality part 1

We've had a lot going on the past couple of weeks.  So much so that I think this will have to be a part one and part 2 blog post.  Let me start by explaining how the "trial went".  I go into detail so it may get boring at times.  I just want to be able to look back and remember it all someday.

We've known this trial has been coming for almost 2 years now.  Which has given me plenty of time to spin all sorts of horrible scenarios out in my mind.  The whole investigation was so slanted every word I said getting twisted that I expected no less from this so called fair hearing.  I have literally been having many sleepless nights over this, always envisioning the worst.  We didnt know what to expect so my vision always included a large courtroom with a judge in a black robe and me on the witness stand trying to defend myself.  Every website we had visited basically said dont even bother to go to the trial if you dont have legal representation or you'll lose.  Those are very bad odds.   What could we do though I need to clear my name, and there is just no money to pay for a lawyer.  So we went into this as some might see it unprepared with just our records and the truth on our side. 

I had also read all of DCF's records against me, and they made me sound so ignorant, and twisted my words or outright lied.  An example of this is that I decided to homeschool Kaylie because the pregnancy rate in Athol was extremely high and I was afraid our 5 yr old would get pregnant!  Umm hello I never said that.  I actually said that because of the teen pregnancy rate she would be attending school with children of children and I was more concerned about the influences these other children were exposed to.  Needless to say I was afraid my words would get twisted again.

My vision of a large courtroom with a judge in black robes couldnt have been further from the truth.  First off we met at the DCF building and just had a small room with a table set up in it.  There were 2 DCF social workers defending their case against me, a judge (unbiased) Kevin, my mom and I.  We did all get sworn in and there was a tape recorder recording everything.  DCF presented there case againt us.  Which was basically that I left my child unattended on the couch and she was injured, that I let her sleep with a blanket over her face, and that we were supposedly told by the VNA nurse who used to come out to the house that ANYTIME Alexa had any apnea spells we were supposed to call 911 and have her taken by ambulance to the hospital.  Also they said there was a discrepency with me saying I made an apointment for her to be seen by her pediatrician the following day, and that I didnt.

The judge looked over at me and asked if I had anything to say.  I started to talk and it was as if all words had left me.  In place was this panicked feeling, and I couldnt get anything out.  I apologized and the judge said that it was ok and there was nothing to get nervous about we were just discussing things.  That seemed to snap me out of it and I looked over at her and calmy said "no, this is my life we're talking about".   And then I started...  I said first off I believe there are many discrepencies in the charges you brought against me.  While you were doing your investigation I always answered the how she got injured.  We never even discussed the why.  Why was she left on the couch "unattended".  I can answer that for you simply.  At the time of the incident Alexa was 3 1/2 months old.  She was very dependent on me, so much so that she never slept unless I was holding her.  The doctors suggested that I try to wean her off of that as best I could as that would give us a multitude of other problems down the road.  They suggested that I hold her and gradually put her down as she fall alseep.  Until my body lost contact with her.  For any of you who have been through this weaning you know what it's like.  Now as a parent we are always looking out for the best interest of our children, but a a parent of a child with multiple medical problems our focus may be a little different.  My goal everyday is what causes the least harm.  Leaving my child who did not roll nor start to roll until she was 13 months old on a big overstuffed chair so she can sleep independently outweighed the posible risk of my child being injured.  Also she was connected to both her apnea monitor and her feeding pump which is connected to an IV pole, if I had even attempted to transfer her with all of her equipment she would have been up in an instant. 

Secondly I never told anyone I made an apointment with her pediatrician about this incident.  I said I thought I had mentioned it to one of her doctors, but that I saw so many and talked to so many different people I wasnt sure.  Reguardless I did take her to the ER anytime I thought there was any issue with her and have never not taken her in to get treated when there was something that was wrong.  If I had taken her in that day they wouldnt have seen anything as these fractures take a couple of weeks to show up.  We had taken her a week after the incident to get chest xrays to check for pneumonia and nothing showed up then. 

At this point the social workers for DCF said well why didnt you get her seen if you thought there was something wrong with her.  We hear from everyone that your hypervigiliant about everything else why not this major incident.

All I can say is that after a few minutes Alexa stopped crying.  I checked her over and she appeared fine.  I do know what to look for, and continued to monitor her.  Once we thought it was a non issue I think we just stopped thinking about it.  She had so many other more important things going on.  I will say that now I call about everything just to protect myself, but I wasnt thinking in those terms before this whole fall out from that incident. 

The social worker said that the doctors believed I was very stressed and that the baby would be safe to go home with me only if I had someone with me ie Kevin. 

I responded that yes at the time I was extremely stressed, and at the time possibly hysterical.  I said but wouldnt any good mother be stressed or hysterical if they were falsely accused of abuse and neglect and was threatened that her children were going to be taken away from her.   I said that these false accusation have brought me more stress than anything in my entire life.  It demeans every good thing I have done for my kids.  This has turned our lives upside down like no illness ever could, become it isnt necessary.

The social worker said that we never falsely accused you.  We dropped the charge of abuse, because if we had any question to whether or not you abused your kids, you would not have them.  You admitted that this was all your fault.  You said you were guilty.

I said it was my fault, and I was guilty of an accident.  I was not guilty of neglect.  I'm the least neglectful mother you'll meet.  I'm almost completely the opposite almost annoyingly so.  I did go on to give examples, but dont want to list them here.

At this time the judge looked over at the social workers and said if this is your whole case I believe you've been unduly prejudiced to this mother.  She said I too have read this case in its entirety and right here one of the doctors says that because Alexa is on an apnea monitor she is safe to sleep with a blanket over her face as it soothes and comforts her.  So that cancels that out.  There is the concern about not calling 911 however.

At which time I said.  After speaking to this VNA nurse myself she told me that she was asked a very leading question.  "Wouldnt you be surprised to hear this family drove from Athol to Boston with a baby who wasnt breathing?"  Which she responded I told them to call 911 if the baby wasnt breathing.  Well duh! (I didnt say that by the way) Alexa was stable at the time we drove to the hospital.  After speaking with her pulmonologist first (lung doctor) who told us to drive to the hospital with one of us in the backseat.  Which I did.  Maybe we should have gone to the nearest hospital to my parents but that hospital is notoriously bad, and the next nearest hospital was Boston Children's hospital.  We were in the middle of transferring most of her care over there anyway.  We do have records of the phone call to the doctor.  I told them that we are trained on how to respond to Alexa's apnea, and if we called 911 everytime she had an incident she'd be having ambulance rides every day!  Would it be wise to bring my already scared baby over to one hospital only to be transferred to another one after an exhausting day of being poked and prodded to repeat the whole thing at a new place with new people.  I opted to drive where we felt was safest. 

A lot of this may be out of order as I dont remember everything clearly.  I did tear up a few times, claiming my love for my children.  How they are my world, and I would do anything for them.  How I've done everything in my power to make Alexa's life better.  How I have fought for every diagnosis we have, and continue to battle the unknown.  Kevin said a few things and my mom said a few things.  I spoke about how my dream was to always work with "cancer kids" and that by having my name on that registry that it basically kills that dream.  And its unfair to me and to the kids and their families I could help.  The judge seemed to like that. 

The judge did say at one point I believe this was an accident and she should not be punished her entire life because of an accident. 

The 2 social workers really didnt have much else to say and they did wish me luck. 

I did ask the judge what it looks like might happen, and she said she couldnt discuss this outside of the trial, but we did hear her comments in there.  She told me the next step is for her to present the case along with her reccomendations out of courtesy to the branch director of DCF.  If he turns over the charges to unsupported it would only take about 5days-2 weeks, but if for some reason he didnt turn over the charges it would go to her supervior and it could take up to 6 months for them to change the verdict.  I also voiced my concern over how ignorant the dcf record made me look, and she said well I didnt get that impression and anyone can see by talking to you that you are highly intelligent and educated.

We left at that and point I was so numb.  I couldnt believe it.  I mean it sounds good for us right?  My mom treated us to lunch, and we were able to talk everything over.  I was just so emotionally drained.

On our way home from Greenfield we decided to stop at our favorite place one last time.  The  waterfall....  It was so nice going, we have so many good memories there.  We went to our favorite picnic place and just looked out over the amazing beauty, that no matter how many times I see it leaves me breatheless.  I was able to finally exhale then.  It feels like the first time I could take a deep breath without that horrible dark cloud hanging over my head in almost 2 years.  I left the waterfall feeling like a burden had been lifted. 

Nothing has been decided and I dont want to hope to much, but it looks good for us right now.   One last thing before I start part 2 of this saga.  Today we had to go to Boston for another appointment which I'll go into more detail about later.  Anyway it was the first time that I didnt feel like I was "acting" like a good mother to prove myself, but could just be a good mother because thats who I am.  I felt like I had the right to hold my head up high again.

I'm not going to post any pics right now, because I dont want to see any of my families smiling faces near this yucky experience.